On Listening

I am writing this three days before the election, and I have no idea what the world will look like by the time I post on Wednesday.  Regardless of the outcome, one thing is certain: the people who voted for the defeated candidate will still be here, probably feeling angrier and more entrenched in their views than ever before.

Here is another thing that is certain: people on both sides of the ideological Grand Canyon are suffering.  Some are suffering the effects of racism, misogyny, and xenophobia, while others suffer from lack of educational and economic opportunities. Both sides are suffering from mutual suspicion and lack of respect, and both are afraid that America and the planet itself are hurtling towards disaster.

I believe that, after the election, how the victors and the defeated deal with each other on a personal basis will, even more than the behavior of their leaders, in the long run determine the fate of the nation. So how does a citizen like me, with my crotchets and limitations and neither billions of dollars nor armies at my command, go about relieving some of this suffering?

Here is Thich Nhat Hanh’s suggestion: “Deep listening […] can help relieve the suffering of another person. […] You listen with only one purpose: to help him or her to empty his heart. Even if he says things that are full of wrong perceptions, full of bitterness, you are still capable of continuing to listen with compassion. Because you know that listening like that, you give that person a chance to suffer less.” It may sound naïve, and maybe it is, but at this point I can’t think of much else that is immediately available for me to do.

Fortunately, deep listening doesn’t take technical skill—just the right intention, plus concentration. As with many things, it gets better with practice. The goal is not to gain information, let alone to change the other person’s mind or to give advice. It is simply to relieve suffering. As anyone who has experienced a good therapist can attest, being listened to can be powerfully healing.

My resolve to listen well notwithstanding, I have two problems. The first is that I live in a place where most people share my political views. I go months, if not years, without coming in contact with someone whose opinions make my hair stand on end. Social media algorithms have me completely figured out, and they send me a succession of mirrors in which all I see is my own views reflected to infinity. To break out of this vicious cycle, and as a kind of spiritual practice, I occasionally dose myself with views different from my own. I don’t go as far as exposing myself to crazies and fanatics, but I do make myself read articles and commentaries by thoughtful people whose opinions are not carbon copies of mine. This may not directly relieve anybody’s suffering, but it does count as a kind of listening on my part.

The second problem is that, as an apprentice listener, I’m not very good. While the other person is talking, my mind is a cauldron seething with practical ideas that will, if implemented, make him or her feel better right away. This, Thich Nhat Hanh would say, is a great No No. I need to practice picking up that cauldron and throwing its contents out the window. Only when it is empty and scoured clean of my own ego will it be fit to receive and perhaps relieve the suffering of whoever is at hand—friend, stranger, political ally, or fellow human with views opposite to mine.

Wednesday morning P.S.: chop wood, carry water. Breathe.