Advice for J.D. Vance

If I were you, J.D., I’d take a vow of silence,

put on some sackcloth, retire to a cave,

kneel on the ground and pray for guidance

on how in future to behave.

Let quaint humility become your leading star,

read Saint Augustine and learn about just war.

Then make amends to all you have offended—

cat ladies, Haitians, Orbán, whose campaign you upended.

Repent! Or are you on a par

with him of the blasphemous avatar?

The two of you have taken things too far!

You’ve roused the ire of Christians, Buddhists, atheists, and Jews,

but there’s still time to change your views.

If you wish to avoid perdition,

make a good act of contrition.

You’ll be shriven—on condition

that you stop pretending to be more Catholic than the Pope.